Bethany's Letters
by Brekah
Summary: The letters between Bethany and her mother after she becomes a Grey Warden.  I own none of the characters, obvs, 'cept Jordin, who I made up.


_She squeezed her eyes shut, throat still raw from screaming. The dreams had been relentless so close to the Deep Roads-relentless and specific. A hundred Carvers got their heads smashed in before her, the time slow and liquid, allowing her to see every fatal reshaping of his body. She'd turn and run, fighting off the waves of darkspawn. Her sister would be screaming for her, trying to reach their mother. Bethany would round the final corner, reaching out to Carver as his head was smashed in once more._  
><em>She took a deep and shaking breath. "When you feel that you have no control you must ground yourself to this world. Push away the Fade. Push away the dreams. Do not find solace in them-you'll get wrecked."<em>  
><em>Her father's words were easy to abide by; she wanted nothing to do with the Fade. She opened her eyes slowly, staring up at the lightening sky. She sat quickly, panic seeping over her. New people. She knew them. Stroud. The Antivan archer. The Ferelden. She'd have to learn to remember them. They all glanced away from her, understanding.<em>  
><em>"Sorry-did I keep you all up?"<em>  
><em>"It's no matter." Stroud began to move around the camp, gathering his things. "You'll get used to the dreams. They'll also lessen the further away we get from the Roads."<em>  
><em>The idea of getting used to the nightmares terrified her. She forced a smile and a nod, trying to manage her thoughts. 'Why would you do this to me, Mari? Why wouldn't you just let me die?'<em>  
><em>It wasn't fair. Her sister had seen Carver die too, and though Mariana had held a calm front for their mother Bethany could hardly forget the nights the two of them would leave Gamlen's hut to cry in solitude. Mariana blamed herself for Carver. Of course she wouldn't let Bethany go.<em>  
><em>'She could have at least come with me.'<em>  
><em>The Antivan smiled shyly, holding out a bowl. "Hungry?"<em>  
><em>"Starving." She wolfed down several portions, not worrying about their bemused expressions. Anders had mentioned this once, the starvation one felt when they first Joined. She expected it would last a long while.<em>  
><em>When she finished eating Stroud motioned for them all to break camp. It would be another hard journey, cleaning up the odd darkspawn as they went. Save for the Joining the last few weeks had been repetitive, though difficult. It was, in fact, more difficult than anything she had ever done and now it was up to her to do it all alone.<em>  
><em>'She could have come with me. She could have proven herself to them and become a Gray Warden. She's more fit for it than I!'<em>  
><em>Another unfair thought. Someone had to take care of Mother. What would she say now that Bethany was gone? Would she blame Mariana again? Bethany found some small solace in that idea, spiteful as it was.<em>  
><em>She turned her focus to where she placed her feet. There was no time for correspondence. Stroud had said that soon they would leave the Free Marches all together. That was when she would write Mother and let them all know she was still alive. Until then it was best to focus on what was before her.<em>

-  
>Mother,<p>

I am alive and as safe as this new life will allow. I'm sure Mariana told you: I'm a Grey Warden now. I don't think I can ever come home, but I wanted to let you know that I am still breathing.  
>I don't know what to say, Mother. I miss you terribly.<p>

I love you,

Bethany

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><em>

My baby,

Thank the Maker! I've been praying every day since you went on the exhibition. I prayed that you be strong and alive, and I could dance for all the joy your letter brings me. Thank the Maker a thousand times!  
>We'll find a way to see each other again, my little one. There is nothing in all Thedas that could keep us apart long. I told Mariana that you were sound and she cried for all her joy. Varric hosted a large gathering in your honor and told everyone stories about you. Mariana wants to know how the Grey Wardens are treating you. I know nothing of the order myself-will you tell me?<br>I want to run to you and pull you into my arms. My little girl-so strong! I knew you could overcome anything. Your father raised you that way; you're as tenacious as he was.  
>I love you, Bethany. Write to me often-often and always.<p>

Love,

Mother

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Dearest Mother,

I am glad to hear of everyone's relief. I must admit that I am getting used to this new life myself, trying to see it as more of a blessing than a curse. Tell Mariana to have Anders speak to you of the Grey Wardens. He'll be reluctant, but he'll tell you the truth. He'll explain why he calls it the "30 year lease on life." A lot of us call it that, actually.  
>I do feel stronger, I must admit. In the beginning I was having terrible dreams, locked rooms in the Fade in which I watch Carver die again and again. I fight the darkspawn, trying to reach him but-always, that ogre. The slow motion of it all always woke me up screaming.<br>The dream is less common, now. I hope I lose it forever.  
>How are you, Mother? Tell me all about you. I miss you terribly, and wish I was there to help.<p>

Love always,

Bethany

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Bethany,

I am happy to hear that you are feeling stronger, though I am distressed by your nightmares. There was nothing more horrible than the day we lost Carver-I want you to forget it completely. I do not want it to be a memory. I do not want it to be a dream.  
>I spoke with Anders. You were right-he's meek around me in general and was even meeker when I asked him. He told me about the dreams, the call, and the taint. He told me all the reasons why he ran away. I don't know what to say, Bethany. I don't want that life for you, but it is better than you having no life at all. Be strong, little one. I need to think on it more before we can discuss it further.<br>Things here are finally looking up. Your sister has done quite well with her investments, including the Bone Pit mine that you girls were so determined to save. She's saving to buy back the family home-the Vicount recognized my claim for it and we're able to buy it for a discounted price. It's not much, but it's better than before. For now we are living in a small estate in Hightown. Gamlen refused to move with us-I think he finds the squalor of Lowtown fitting for his debauchery. I hate to leave him there, but it's what he wants, the blighted boy.  
>Your sister misses you, love. She's burying herself in work to keep away from her thoughts. You knew her best-you'd be able to talk her down. I can do no more than try to ease the pain. Now she's haunted, her usual light self but ever searching for her phantom limb. She works often in the clinic in Darktown or for Aveline, and spends the rest of her time in that horrible Hanged Man. I don't know what she's doing in there, but I wish she wouldn't go. Thankfully taking to drink doesn't seem to be on her mind.<br>I love you, my baby. I am so sorry that you cannot be here with me. I'd give anything for us to be together again, all of us. Write to me as often as you can. Tell me everything. Tell me how I can see you-how Mari can see you. Even Gamlen misses your presence; Pooch still lays expectantly at the front door. We are all family, my baby. Our love is never questioned and never revoked.

Love,

Mother

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Mother,

I didn't get your last letter until just now. I'm sorry! I'm safe and sound, I swear!  
>Jordin is one of the Wardens with us, and a fellow Ferelden. The Blight eradicated his whole family; that's why he became a Warden. Anyway, he keeps bothering me to write something a little more lighthearted. I can't think of anything specific, but I promise you that it's not all glum and depression here. Sure, things are hard, but there are good points too. I didn't mean to make you worry. I'm really quite sorry!<br>I don't think Hightown is ready for Uncle Gamlen. I'm hard pressed to believe that he ever lived there at all! Just make sure he's fed and leave it at that. I'm sure he'll be pleased in his own way.  
>The dreams have all but gone, only surfacing when there are darkspawn near by. I'm slowly rediscovering happiness, though Stroud tries to work me to death. He drives us all crazy-we've taken to playing pranks on him. The other day one went too far and I accidentally set his pants on fire. Thankfully they weren't on him, but he was quite irate to come out of his tent in the morning only to find his laundry was, well, over-dry. I'm still trying to convince him it was the others.<br>This may be my last letter for a while, again. I don't know that it will be as long as last time but it's the way it needs to be. We'll be on constant move. I don't know when you can see me. If I'm ever near Kirkwall I'll all but run to you, I promise.

All of my love,

Bethany

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To Kirkwall's own Warden, loved and praised by all,

That's what Varric's been starting stories with this week. I do adore Varric and his stories-they're so ridiculous. He's promised to start one about me. I hope that's a good thing?  
>If you were here I'd give you such a scolding. How do you not correspond with me for an entire year? I thought I had lost you all over again! I've been dogging Anders incessantly though he assures me that if you died he would have felt it somehow. Is that even true, or was he just trying to placate an old woman? At least this time you give me warning. I swear, you children.<br>This will be my last letter until I hear from you once more. Things are continuing on as much as usual. We're closer to obtaining the estate and your sister is working herself to death despite the fact that we're nobility now. Can you believe it? Nobility! I have to work on my idle conversation.  
>Mariana introduced me to a new friend of hers today in the Chantry. (Yes, yes, she's taken to coming to the Chantry with me. The things she does to keep me happy!) His name is Sebastian Vael, and he's the prince of Starkhaven. The Crown Prince! Technically he could head back and resume the throne. My eyes nearly popped from my head but when I asked him why he was still here he explained that he felt he belonged in the Chantry, not on the throne. He's a good hearted boy, and kind. He's much less frightening than that elf with the tattoos. I hope Mari doesn't end up tied to him! Sebastian, on the other hand, would be wonderful. I wonder if I could marry your sister off to him…<br>Tell me more of this Jordin! A mother needs to know.  
>As for me, I don't know. Part of me wants to marry again. I haven't brought it up with your sister yet-it's just a tickling in the back of my mind, really. Nothing more. Now I feel silly for having written it!<p>

I love you, dearest. Stay safe in your travels.

Mother

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Mother,

Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have mentioned Jordin. You're a horrible busybody. Besides, we've been far too busy saving Thedas and battling evil for any romantic liaisons.  
>So there.<br>I think I met this prince once. We did some work for him back in the old days; his family was killed off by mercenaries and we, well, took them out of business. He was very grateful, cute, and nonthreatening. Mariana will never go for him. I am surprised to hear she fancies Fenris. I always thought she was mad for Anders. Trust me-just watch her and Anders interact. They get stupid around each other.  
>Why am I writing this? Yammering on about a sister I don't even want to talk to. I want to hear more about you getting married. It's a strange idea. I don't know how to handle it, really. I suppose I'll just say that you should do what makes you happy.<br>Have you moved into the estate yet? It's been so long, I figured that you must have.

I miss you,

Bethany

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Bethany,

That was the least informative letter I have ever received. Do you still have all of your limbs? Are your friends all intact? What is it you were even up to for a year and a half?  
>I am glad to hear you are at least well enough to write. I am hurt by what you said about your sister. She misses you terribly, and feels responsible for everything. You know how she gets. Ironically I blame myself for this. I was so quick to blame her over Carver's death; that was wrong of me in nearly every way. She's been so good about protecting us-how could I do that to her?<br>Write her, please. Promise me?

Love,

Mother

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Mother,

I wrote her. Can we leave it at that for now? Tell me of your life, I'm longing to know.

Bethany

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Bethany,

Thank you for writing your sister. Please try to keep it up, yes? I'll leave it at that.  
>The estate is ours once more. Amell, Hawke. Our home. You must come see it. It's so solidly home, as though nothing could ever shake us from it. At last we have a constant place in the world.<br>I'm sure you recall Bodahn and Sandal. They live with us now, working for us. Bodahn says he owes your sister, though she tries constantly to tell him that there is no need for a "repayment of debt." We love Sandal greatly. He's a strange boy but a delight nonetheless. Since I wrote you last there is even a…well…an elven slave girl working for us. Apparently Mari and Fenris rescued her and Mari gave her a job here. Orlanna, her name is. She's getting used to life and freedom, poor thing. She plays the lute beautifully.  
>It reminds me of what an old woman I am as I watch Mariana's life. Half the time I listen to Varric's stories, panicking as I try to pick through the fiction in search of the fact. She leads such a dangerous life, and so do you. It's hard to bear.<br>And yes, I am a busybody. With that note I can say that something did happen between Mariana and Fenris, right after they saved Orlanna. Mari won't speak of it, and they've grown distant. He no longer comes by to practice reading, and when I see him he is rather shy and reluctant to speak to me. I don't know what to make of it all, so I keep silent.  
>So how long have you and Jordin been together?<p>

Love,

Your Mother

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Mother,

Can we please stop speaking of Mariana? I want nothing of it.  
>You win. Jordin and I have been together for nearly a year. He's a sweet and hilarious man, and clever as well. He's a true friend.<p>

I'm sorry, Mother. I just don't want to think of Mariana.

Bethany

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Bethany,

I will not stop speaking of your sister, just as I will not spare Mariana tales of you. She lives for them. It would kill her to know how you feel towards her. Why, Bethany? You two were always the closest, despite you being Carver's twin. Always inseparable. Why do you feel like this? She wouldn't show me that letter you sent her, but it tore her up. She says it wasn't cruel-is this so? Or did you let your resentment shine through?  
>Please, Bethany. Have mercy.<p>

Mother

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Mother,

I remember when Mariana ran off one day without me. I was insulted in a way that only a eight year old can be and you and Father were at your wits' end. Later on we found her in the town center, chatting away with a templar like nothing about it was odd. Carver always hated that about her, but I envied it. She sees humanity and kindness in everyone. It's strange that she's so perfect in that way, in everyway.  
>Alright, I know that's not true. She's nowhere near perfect. She's terrifying when she's angry at someone and gets shaken easily, though she'd never let it show. I can't remember one time that she's yelled at me, though we've fought. We've always been equals, something she and Carver never had. She yelled at him all the time.<br>I want to tell you about the last time I saw her.  
>She couldn't mask the fear in her eyes, calm voice be damned. She joked, chided, and assured but all along I could look into her yes and tell that I was going to die. I would say that I was afraid but honestly everything hurt too much. I just accepted it, like Wesley.<br>Then Anders spoke up and a fevered hope bloomed across her face. She drilled him so relentlessly that I think he was a little afraid. Even after hearing all the negative points she was determined for me to survive.  
>Before we found Stroud we were attacked by darkspawn. I had never seen so many at once. She tore right through them. Before I even had a chance to cast she was done, the bodies lying everywhere. Nothing was going to keep her from my preservation, not even the Grey Wardens themselves.<br>When we found them Stroud and the rest didn't want to take me. They said it was no charity. She was holding me up; I remember her muscles tightening at their words. They took me anyway, for Anders. To settle a debt. That was when she didn't want to let me go, when she held me the tightest.  
>Do you remember the stray, Rachi? In Redcliffe? Do you remember fleeing in the night form the templars? I looked back at our home as we ran and he just sat there in front of the house, broken, lost, and knowing that he would never see us again. As Stroud led me away I looked back at Mari and that's what I saw. I wanted to cry out to her, to tell her to come with me. I couldn't, and she didn't.<br>I swear, Mother, I know it's not fair but I do blame her for leaving me. Sometimes I feel that this new life is no reward, no second chance. It's some sort of punishment.  
>Despite it all, you are right. I do wish to hear of her. She sounds so different, but nonetheless unchanging. It's comforting, at times, like I never left. Keep telling me your stories.<br>I love you, Mother. I pray to the Maker that I will see you soon.

Bethany

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My Darling,

I understand. I'll leave you to mend it as you will. Just know that she does love you. I'll never forget what she said as you two left for the exhibition. "I need her, Mother," like it never occurred to her to leave you behind-when all I wanted was for you to stay home. I was furious, but truer words were never spoken. She does need you, then and now. She flounders without you. One day she'll find a new center, preferably with you close.  
>Anders…lives here now. The templars have begun really cracking down and it seems he and Mariana finally sorted out how they feel about each other. I can't say I completely approve, and he knows it. He's more sheepish than ever, but also more troubled. He has strange mood swings, but he seems to truly love her, and she him. I don't know what to think.<br>I wish I could have made life easier for you children. I shudder to think that Anders could bring some harm onto Mari, though I am sure it would not be purposeful. It's the usual fear that comes from being close to an apostate, the need to hide and the need to protect. A hard life, but a worthy one.  
>I have a suitor, a secret one. I kid you not-my secret admirer keeps sending me flowers. My answer? Ignore it! I would like to get married again, I think, but I need someone more direct. Secrecy is for the young. Malcolm was never shy about how he felt for me. I don't think I could settle for something less. Sure, there are about ten men I think it could be, a few of them married. These nobles need less time on their hands. Bohdan says it's even worse among the dwarves. Idle hands, I suppose.<br>Oh well. I suppose I just miss Malcolm. It's probably just all idle fancy, an old woman missing that which she once had.

Love you, as always. Forgive your sister in time. You two are the lights of my life.

Mother

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Mother,

I never understood the appeal of secret admirers. You're right-it's strange and meek. Ugh. Just say no.  
>I knew that Anders and Mari would end up together. I told Jordin, and he told Stroud, and Stroud said that Anders was a no good hooligan. Let's just say that Anders has changed over the years. Of the "debt" they settled when Stroud took me in, he said nothing. My curiosity is sky-high.<br>Anders is a nice man, though strong-willed. Think of Father. He's a lot like Father. He's been through some horrible things, but I think he'll do the right thing in the end. I can't see him hurting anyone-he's a healer by nature, as you know.  
>Back to this suitor: maybe it's best if you don't remarry. Unless you have someone in mind I would let it go. Marry only if someone strikes your fancy. Don't put yourself out there; Thedas is full of crazy people.<br>I'm thinking of writing Mariana again. I just need to think of what to say. Furthermore we're back in the Free Marches. I hope we pass through Kirkwall soon!

I love you,

Bethany

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Bethany-

I don't know how to soften this, child, so here it is. Leandra is dead. She was taken and murdered by a bloodmage. Mariana was too late. Leandra died in her arms. I know no specifics of what was done to her, though from the haunted look on Mariana's face I can only assume the worst.  
>I hope you can come home. We are hoping to have a small ceremony, though there seems to be some issue. Apparently several families have claims to…the body. I do not understand why and your sister will not explain. She cannot. She's not taking it well.<br>Mariana killed the bloodmage. It's a small comfort, though it does nothing to lessen the pain.  
>Take care, child. Let me know if you can come.<p>

Your Uncle,

Gamlen

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Gamlen,

Thank you for telling me. I cannot come. We are in the Free Marches but are incapacitated. I will hold a small ceremony for her here. Do not blame Mariana. She is suffering enough.  
>My condolences with respect to your pain, Uncle. I understand your grief far too well.<p>

Stay safe,

Bethany


End file.
